December 18, 2003

testicle story time

Hey everybody, gather round for a story about my testes.

One time I got out of the shower and was drying off with my Batman towel, and when I went to dry the family jewels, I thought I felt a lump or bump. Well I remembered my Doctor telling me that all men are supposed to give themselves a testicle exam every month. (I didn't have the heart to tell him I give myself one everyday) I started freaking out because I thought I had the big C in my nuts. This is nothing to take lightly, so I called my Doctor and he said to come in right away. After poking and prodding me and putting his finger places that would make a nun blush he came to the conclusion that I should get a testicular ultrasound. Yikes!

I walked into the gray drab building where people go to get ultrasounds and mammograms and my heart was pounding. The nurse made me fill out a bunch of forms and then I waited while listening to a muzac version of Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time. I shut my eyes and started singing along when all of a sudden I was jarred back into consciousness by the high pitched voice of a nurse saying "Steven Pulse err Politz ah Poltz." She took me into a room and told me to take off all my clothes and I said "you first." She ignored me and walked out of the room. So I took off all of my clothes and waited for the testicle exam giver to enter my cell. The door slowly creaked open and there stood this middle aged women ultrasound specialist lady/nursey/doctor with a tube of ointment in her hands. She told me to lay down and spread my legs apart and she proceed to put this warm lotion all over my testes. She said "we keep the lotion warm so it feels better." I said "I've never really done anything like this before." She looked at me with an eyebrow raied kind of concerned look. I was sweating like a punch drunk sailor on shore leave. Then she started running the ultrasound thingymajig all over my privates and and I felt helpless. This is where the story gets really good- she said "my son is a big fan of your music. He's eight years old and we saw you play at Jingle Ball. (she really said "jingle ball") I was mortified! "You know who I am ?" She then proceeded to tell me her sons favorite song was "monkeys coming out of yer ass." Then she asked if I would sign somthing for him. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.

It turns out I didn't have the big C and I skulked out of there into the sunset. So let that be a lesson to all ye sailors oot there. Give yourself an exam and if you find somthing. Call your doctor. Try to get an ultrasound. It feels pretty good.

Steverino Walnut Poltz

Posted by steve at December 18, 2003 10:09 AM


Yayyy!! Glad your testes are swell!


Posted by: Jingle Balls at December 18, 2003 11:06 AM

thanks for sharing steven. now i'll have my hand on my nuts all day instead of just 4 or 5 times a day. thanks. thanks for freaking me the fuck out.

Posted by: pablo at December 18, 2003 11:21 AM

That's funny...I never felt a lump on your testicles!?!


Posted by: Troy Lee Wells at December 18, 2003 11:40 AM

I just got the weirdest look from all my co-workers, my laugh came out full speed ahead...
I'm so glad you and yours are okie dokie!

I'm going to warm up my lotion in the office microwave.

Posted by: Carence at December 18, 2003 11:47 AM

"I was sweating like a punch drunk sailor on shore leave."
Must we stereotype? I rarely sweat on shore leave.

Posted by: dannyboy at December 18, 2003 1:36 PM

sorry. i meant to sat swilling whisky like a punch drunk sailor on shore leave. my bad.

Posted by: steverino at December 18, 2003 2:12 PM

sorry. i meant to say, i meant to ssay. not i meant to sat. unless i was sitting down. then it will be i meant to sat.

Posted by: steverino at December 18, 2003 2:15 PM

Dear Steven, Please don't write anything more about your testicals as it embarrasses your mother. Your Pa.

Posted by: Daddy Warbucks at December 18, 2003 2:18 PM

sorry dad. please apoligize to mom for me.
it won't happen again. might happen again. o.k. it won't. i promise.

Posted by: steverino at December 18, 2003 2:24 PM

The question is... what did you sign for her son??? Is he at show & tell right now with an autographed ultrasound of your jingle balls?

Posted by: Frag at December 18, 2003 2:37 PM

your testicle tale of woe almost made me spit wheat thins all over my skanky keyboard, I laughed so hard. you never know humiliation until a stranger recognizes you, and makes small talk whilst handling your privates... in college, i went to see a lesbian ob/gyn my freshman year.. then didn't return to see her again until senior year--over the course of time she'd seen thousands of, u-hum, college girls at one of those drunken, slutty state schools. three years later, spread eagle on the table, she's talking about the Green Bay Packers, then stops and says, "You look really familiar..." She wasn't looking at my face.

Posted by: rchick at December 18, 2003 3:07 PM

My friend gave me a CD and told me to go to the website. Who is this guy?

Posted by: what the hell at December 19, 2003 1:15 PM

hey, that's quite the testimonial!#!??**!!

Posted by: melissa at December 19, 2003 1:25 PM

do it at college there'd be a graduate student girl looking just to make sure you're alright

either that or some lady with no gloves will grope you and say you'll be back and everymonth you will remember betsy and wake up mooing or some utter thing! I'm tellin ya still take it sincerely

or you might be metabolically dissenchanted and switched around like me all confused wishing on a bar

which reminds me how I feel that the generic is not dissimilar enough as what I could take...but this new Neighborhood health plan is allowing places to be made discriminatory against those with disabilities and gifted and right by the switchboard phone people out in somerville but they say they've been there for a year and they can't possibly be doing anything wrong or too godly just rerouting me purpously forgetting which office I had called for or to ask figuring at this point I'll give up working things out in equalityville on the table of peoplehood...that reminds me of a joke about a dentist who didn't have a person's records or money so maybe gave them cancer or took their teeth out of wisdom after numbing their minds with lack of oxygen and N2O huffing for money they called it I think but dentists have the highest suicide rate I've been told or suiciders have the highest rate of dentistery so next time someone asks you to smile call 911 just to make sure they're not gonna off themself. ( can I get something to drink with that this year?) perhaps I'd like some water with electrolites or my prescription without being so poorly treated for my my father's use of meth in the military which is less important right now but I figure you were joking around concerning it do you think the world thought that we were so perfect and the rest of war from regime and against terrorism from the environment without disease or hate or disease or assumption so perfect that you should feel safe to film the war without feeling that you were a part of it either having been part of a population hurt by the regime with intent or by cause without reformability you're not war proof and if the rest of the world cares so much about the harm caused by a regime and feels capable to do something about it or necessary could you even be their and feel like neither side was againsted by you placing yourself or ourselves in such harms way by making accuracy more difficult with you're own ignorance without self protection and therefor involvement or otherwise misunderstanding of sociologacal fact that you can't observe something without in some way effecting that which you may observe without actually being GOD and God cannot be hurt and god cannot be progressed without possible harm against humanity etc. that needs to be understood by all before humanity can be protected against the universe or from lack there of of things or anything such as common understanding of world necessity and validity and true possibility and true validity and the real reason for that changing or not really or changing again. I mean are you being true when you say that by being there you weren't possibly allowing yourselves or being used to let someone stand the way of the reversal of any future vast danger against humanity from it being able to be ended in time for as many as are left to be still standing with ability for such true things and such proper use of never complete education if there is still need for threat or thoughtfullness without harm or lack of right aid if certified to do so and capable with permission from those you may endanger in writing based on true communication and likelihood of need with or without ratification?

I'm just glad that Steve got felt up and that he's ok even if he won't help me get human rights without everybody having to know what people could do to them before they had them...but I'm contacting several organizations these days about that so I can get an education and or keep on getting one. and one day return to my country which will magically habe a fully functioning and all potective government. In not so many words.

Posted by: Maxuimiliano at December 19, 2003 1:39 PM

That story was inspiring. As soon as I finished it, I walked up to the house next door and checked my neighbor for testicular cancer. Then the two of us went over to the apartment complex behind our street and stood in the lobby and checked two guys each. Then we all went to the pub and gave free exams to everyone until we all passed out.

Thanks, kid. You put the "nice" in "Rice 'N Beans."


Posted by: Westy at December 20, 2003 8:08 AM

Dude, I wanna know if you got excited that someone was touching you all over? I'm sorry, I do think its funny (being recognized), but not funny (the cancer part).

Posted by: jen at December 22, 2003 6:36 PM

I went through the same thing, except, they didn't tell me to totally undress. Weird.

Posted by: Sleepensheep at January 1, 2004 2:56 PM

I am happy that you are free and clear. It is so scary to have to deal with. My hubby lost his right one to the big C down there and he has been Cancer free now for a year. I wouldn't wish this on anyone and I am glad that you shared your story.

Posted by: Cnoah at January 2, 2004 4:10 PM

Poltz-e-I-f-ski. This tale pales in comparison to your Fresca on the stairs story. Please tell the minions ( i.e. Flying Monkeys) this sordid tale of your twins? Linzfuck

Posted by: Linzfuck at February 26, 2004 5:55 PM

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