March 9, 2004

Why we did it.


When I started 98 pounder records I knew I needed some capital and a big name. Why not go after a domestic maven? Everyone knows that Martha is a music lover and all around matron of the arts. I figured we could make some linament oil out of flax seed to polish my collection of vintage Louis Vuitton handbags. The executives at ebay had been hounding me to release some of my stash to the general public for immediate auction. I wasn't ready to go public with 98 pounder label so I delayed the IPO until a secret date had been secured. I raised some of the startup costs through the sale of my purse collection and immediately invested the profits in IM clone. This is when I started trading phone calls with Martha. We taught each other how to make phone messages and manipulate the voice tones. It all seemed so innocent to me. She was a fan of my C.D. "Answering Machine" and I was a fan of pine cone art. Together we were like a couple of construction workers high on glue. Ideas came to us and the money was flowing and we staggered through the streets of New York like we owned the damn town. It was all fun and games until someone got hurt. I made a phone call and gave a secret location (if you know what I mean) and all was set for 98 pounder to go public. We both sold our IM clone stock to pay for "Chinese Vacation" and all of the sudden the feds had a temper tantrum. It was a coincindence that some other big wig sold his shares the same day. He had nothing to do with me. He listens to books on tape and hates music. Martha and I are going to fight this thing to prove her innocence. I will be having a bake sale at The Lion's Club in the near future. Homemade marzipan and Nova Scotia lox with mint leaves flown in from Italy will be on sale as well as tweed cushion covers. Please understand that I am not allowed to comment on this any further until I meet with Larry King at Elaine's in New York. 98 Pounder Records is threatening to fire me in a hostile takeover and I am scared. If you can think of any new items I can make for my bakesale please let me know. I really, really, really, need to raise some cash for my Martha's legal fees.
Steven "The Insider" Poltz

Posted by steve at March 9, 2004 11:37 PM


Nice to see that Steve's using Photoshop :-)

pine cone art kicks ass

Posted by: ryan at March 10, 2004 5:21 AM

Lemon squares are nice.
Rain's brownies are also yummy. I think you should look to her for the bake sale hook-up. I'm sure she'll have your back.

Posted by: sweet tooth at March 10, 2004 6:08 AM

i agree with sweet tooth. rain's baked "goods" are the best. maybe she can borrow bug guts' recipe for one of the batches.

also, you could sell locks of john lennon's hair in a separate area from the baked goods. i hear fine people are getting upwards of $5k for one strand. you'll have her legal fees taken care of in no time. of course, you'll have to pay your supplier (me) of the "in demand" strands. i'm sure we can work oot sumfin.


Posted by: cummy at March 10, 2004 6:26 AM

I heard on the radio one strand of J. Lennon hair went yesterday for $4200.00

I hope one strand on mine is worth .42 one day.

Posted by: bunny bixler at March 10, 2004 6:35 AM

awe bunny, i'm sure you could get two solid shiny quarters for a strand of hair right this minute. you just have to look in the right circles.

good luck!

the outsider,

Posted by: cummy at March 10, 2004 6:48 AM

I am with you on the lemon square, but shortbread dipped in chocolate are my favorite. That and the classic brownie a la Ash.

Yesterday I heard that you could get 1.2 million for your DNA provided you sell ALL of it. I would go with the 50 grand you could get for one of your kidneys, seein as how selling ALL of your DNA would kill ya.

Best of luck to you and Martha with all of your legal woes. If only she wasn't a single white multi millionaire woman with a Berkin bag. Thing may have turned out differently for her.

Posted by: liza at March 10, 2004 6:52 AM

maybe you can call mojo nixon and get his recipe for stuffin martha's muffin.

Posted by: anonymous kmart exec at March 10, 2004 8:15 AM

O.J. Simpson got away with killing people, so everyone else should get away with that, too...otherwise, life wouldn't be fair.


Rob the Drummer

Posted by: Rob the Drummer at March 10, 2004 8:16 AM

you might want to consider selling those hot pictures of martha and bob villa to raise some money.

Posted by: professor j at March 10, 2004 11:02 AM

You spelled Bobb Vila wrong.
via fax

Posted by: Ramon at March 10, 2004 12:53 PM

my special brownie recipe is yours free of charge. give your customers about 45 minutes to digest and it will guarantee additional sales of baked goods. anything for you in your valiant effort to keep that hoity bitch outta the can!

Posted by: chef ash at March 10, 2004 1:59 PM

but of course, Alice B. Toklas Brownies!!!

Posted by: denise at March 10, 2004 3:02 PM

faecal matter brownies
they're all the rage in germany

Posted by: psych at March 10, 2004 3:13 PM

I like pine cone art a lot. Today I saw a dusty little christmas tree made of dried red peppers. Genius.

Lemons squares make me happy. Little yellow happy squares of sugar.

Posted by: nicefreckles at March 10, 2004 8:42 PM


Maybe you could provide a hot steaming cup of Spanka with every purchase.

Ramon in SB

Posted by: Ramon at March 11, 2004 12:25 PM

You rich bastards make me sick. The rich get richer on the backs of the little people. Harnessing your minions with your seductive words to do your bidding; even coercing them into baking for you?! TAKE A STAND PEOPLE!! DON'T SUPPORT THIS BAKESALE! IF YOU PURCHASE A COOKIE, YOU'RE SENDING A VOTE IN FAVOR OF INSIDER TRADING.



just kidding,
ms. p

Posted by: ms p at March 11, 2004 1:26 PM

that's it, i'm suing you dana! libel, slander, impostery!!! i'm suing steve too, just for kicks.

regardless, she's right about the cookies, it's the brownies that'll get ya baked!

ash :o)

Posted by: the REAL ~ash at March 12, 2004 9:07 AM

available now!
Chinese Vacation
available now!
check out some tracks here
Digital Video Disc
Live at the Basement
Sydney, Australia

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