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September 26, 2004

Jesus, Mary and Tony Gwynn

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As the baseball season plays out its final act, I am stuck in my final stages of dementia. I put my Tony Gwynn doll next to Jesus and Mary and I light some Nag Champa and pray to the baseball Gods for some sort of divine intervention. I need a miracle gosh doggit! I yell at the t.v. and scream at the radio in my car. Why do I do it? Would The Padres yell for me? No they wouldn't is the answer I am looking for. But hey, I am o.k. with that. Usually before I go to sleep I put the Tony doll in front of Jesus and Mary and I walk across my floor wearing a pair of brown socks and I hop 3 times while facing the Pacific Ocean and I pull my left eyebrow out until air gets underneath my eyelid. This makes my eye feel dry and so I put my face under the sink and wet my eyeball with tepid water. I have to perform this ritual 4 times in 6 minutes or The Pads will lose. It is too much pressure and I want to stop doing it but I can't. I need some Ritalin and cough syrup. Help me please.

Love,

The Bat Child

Posted by steve at September 26, 2004 12:02 AM

Comments

Sure the Padres would yell for you. They'd yell for you to stay the hell out of their hotel rooms, for one thing! :D
And, uhhh... I think the doll looks more like Gary Coleman than it dos Tony. Maybe the Pads should sign him as a free agent.

That wasn't really any help, was it?
Sorry. I got nothin'.

Posted by: Frag at September 26, 2004 5:48 AM

does. Not dos. I D I O T

Posted by: elusive e at September 26, 2004 5:50 AM

hi frag. good to hear from you. i trust you are well. the new todd snider record is really wonderful.

the doll doesn't really look like tony gwynn does it? maybe that is the problem. gary coleman might be available. do you know any of hiis stats?

i used to have a friend who was an expert texpert choking smoker in dos. he spoke the language of dos and all kinds of computers across merica loved him.

Posted by: steverino at September 26, 2004 8:00 AM

You think you have stuff to contend with? Now you listen to me, you spindly little cry baby, get yourself together. If the good people of Boston can keep their chins up and their outlooks bright, in the face of certain crippling tragedy, then you can manage to keep your Depends clean. There's 8 days left, and 5 NL teams are gunning for two spots. This is the very essence of September. Not football, not avante guard sculpting, and certainly not rest homes for children. We're talking the big enchilada here, Bubby. And I don't mean Bubby Brister. That's what Johnny Knoxville is going to look like in 15 years. Bubby Freaking Brister. Have you ever played any shows with him, Mr. "Ooh! I'm So Cool Because I Played a Show With the Yankee Flipper?" Probably not. Bubby Brister doesn't have time for that queer songwriting crap. You know what Bubby Brister has for breakfast? Eggs. Eggs, that's what he has. Ever think of that? Probably not. You know why?

Because you ain't wired that way.

I'm going to go lift some weights now and pretend like this whole unpleasant little mess never happened.

AB

Posted by: Westy at September 26, 2004 8:31 AM

Steve,

I love that you love the new Todd Snider record. I'm glad you gave it a another listen besides me singing the whole thing in Lou and Rain's living room. Sorry 'bout that.

I noticed the hands of Jesus and Mary -- Mary looks like she just finished a windmill softball pitch and Jesus' fingers look like he is giving Tony some sign, maybe to bunt? Who knows. But it all makes sense somehow.

Try pink socks, instead of brown.

Posted by: carence at September 26, 2004 9:45 AM

First of all, don't trust so haphazardly, Steven. And I like live Todd just fine, but I heard the new record this week and didn't like it at all. Go finger. :shrug: I do think the new Jon Dee Graham record is pretty sweet. That boy shore can play the gitter.

I'm not up on my Arnold info. I bet he uses those "aluminium" bats like they do in Little League, though. Perhaps the transition to The Show wouldn't be as smooth for him as your Padres need.

And lastly: Westy, how do you know what former Steeler QBs have for breakfast? Have you been cheating on your fy-antsy and cooking Sunday brunches for Bubby???

Posted by: Frag at September 26, 2004 9:57 AM

wow. i go eat a little breaky and look what happens. this is starting to get interesting. mr. joe daly gave me the attitude adjustment i need. you are right ale boy. the bosox have had to put up with a lot of crap over the years. your heart must permanently broken. you probably sit around and listen to sting sing his world beat manifesto recordings all day. i did have eggs for breakfast this morning along with some tatsy carne asada and tortillas. i will take you to this joint when you move to my fine city of san diego. before you make me want to move.

frag? how could you not like the new snider record? tillamook county jail is sublime. train song? c'mon dude. give it another listen. louie louie? that shit is dope. i mean fly.

the padres are going to do it. god is on our side.

cha chi

Posted by: steverino at September 26, 2004 10:54 AM

Weee Sterverino,
I love the picture and the group of words that follow it.
I saved the picture as my wallpaper here at work. My co worker asked aboot it. I told her it is not easy being catholic and a pads fan. She looked at me funny and said "really?" heh
*sigh*
All the guilt, all the suffering.

See you at Sycuan! Shhhhhh!
with love, from BARONA Casino,
nicefreckles

Posted by: nicefreckles at September 26, 2004 9:42 PM

Don't get me wrong, brah. I like Todd's songs, and I like him on stage, but the production of the studio stuff just didn't sit right w/ me. I think I'll stick to seeing him live. :)

p.s.: Go see "A Door in the Floor". Great flick.

Posted by: Frag at September 26, 2004 10:40 PM

And another thing:
I think Westy listens to Michael Bolton, not Sting, while he sits around crying in his Zima, watching the Sox do more sucking in an afternoon than you'd see in a Ginger Lynn film festival.

Posted by: p.p.s. at September 26, 2004 10:46 PM

Well if your mom would stop buying Zima, maybe I'd find something else to drink.

Posted by: Westy at September 27, 2004 4:40 AM

My mom's hanging with you, AND buying Zima??? She MUST'VE ended up in Hell!

:D:D

Posted by: Frag at September 27, 2004 6:01 AM

Frag,

I will agree with you on the production of Todd's past records -- but with this one I'll have to put my foot down. It's perfect.

thank you for your time.

Posted by: carence at September 27, 2004 6:10 AM

Well, when you put your foot down, just make sure you watch what you're doing. I know you wouldn't want to stomp on Todd's bare tootsies.

Posted by: Frag at September 27, 2004 7:16 AM

hey rob,

you're wrong.

yours in coherent,

sean

Posted by: sean at September 27, 2004 10:24 AM

Frag-

What Sean said.

W

Posted by: Westy at September 27, 2004 10:25 AM

Hey Sean,

I know I'm wrong. You're not the first person to tell me that.

Wait... what am I wrong about?

And Westy -- Can you give me Sean's grandma's number, since you're done with her?

Posted by: Frag at September 27, 2004 10:34 AM

jersey, i completely agree...todd's record is perfect. will kimbrough kicks ass no matter what he does.

polio, good call on train song. i don't know how he can play it and get through it. so sad.

leaving on vacation, comin' back on probation
love,
ps

Posted by: pablo at September 27, 2004 11:49 AM

rob, you'd have to fight her boyfriend, sam, for her hand at this point. he's pretty feisty for 92. and he owns a funeral home, so he can get rid of the body pretty easily.

paul, we agree on something. perfect is the word I always use to describe the album. speaking of sad, "you think you know somebody" is soooooooooo good on the live cds rob sent. wow. wow. wow.

steve, you still rule.

Posted by: sean at September 27, 2004 2:14 PM

It's not her hand that I'd be interested in, seanstick! ;)
I'm glad you like the CDs.

p.s.: Tell Sam I want to be cremated & thrown in a ditch.

Posted by: Frag at September 27, 2004 4:27 PM

I like Tilamook cheese.

Todd Snider rules! I love Twisted Sister.

Go Halos!

Posted by: Rev. Spankalot at September 28, 2004 8:07 PM

Baseball fans, let's not feel too sorry for ourselves. Consider my deep love for the Chicago Cubs. The little billygoat curse hit early this year, this past Saturday to be exact when they blew a 3-0 lead to the freaking Mets in the bottom of the 9th. This occured just moments after I was re-living my trip to Cincy for Cubs/Reds the previous Saturday, telling my friends "Yeah, they lost that night in a great game, but they haven't lost since." Think of how I feel, unlocking the gates of hell on my beloved Cubbies with my stupid comment. Imagine not being able to look yourself in the mirror, knowing that one stupid slip of the tongue will cost the boys from the north side a trip to the playoffs. I am the new Steve Bartman. With the Cubs out now, I would jump on the Padres bandwagon if it weren't for 1984 and that damned Steve Garvey...

Posted by: mustardrow at September 28, 2004 8:49 PM

Screw you guys, I'm going home. Well, to the bleachers at Wrigley on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Mebbe I'll do some drinking.

Hi.

Posted by: JC at September 29, 2004 12:57 PM

That's awesome! I admire your love for the Padres and I'm sure they love you back Mr. Poltz sir!

Posted by: Diona at September 30, 2004 2:25 PM

okay Mr. Poltz sir,

the Padres now need to win 3 straight,
while the dodgers sweep the Giants,
the Astros get swept by colorado,
and the Cubs lose at least 2 of 3...

then and only then will the Padres tie for the lead in the wild card race, which i believe would result in a one game play off with...somebody.

Where did we go wrong...again.
oh yeah , we passed on Steve Finley, that's where we went wrong.

oh well, at least there was some improvement.

thank you Mr' Poltz for being the shiznit.

Posted by: robert at October 1, 2004 12:57 AM

JC,
That was one heartbreaker of a game yesterday. Can't you get those fans at Wrigley fired up?!

Get on it!

Posted by: ms p at October 2, 2004 3:40 AM


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