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November 11, 2004

Hellven

heaven.jpg

Last night a spaceship carrying a dog landed on my porch and nobody saw it save for me. The light was so bright it almost blinded me and there was a thin man glowing like neon, doing backflips on a tiny railing. Michael the spacedog was being honored by several monks in purple robes. They said they were from Hellven, a little known place in the nether regions of quadrant 42, near sector 7.
Hellven is a little bit Heaven and a little bit of Hell. The drinking fountains serve cool crisp water with a touch of honey and lemon or if you flip a switch they serve flavorful home brewed beer. Some people say it is an ideal world in which people treat each other with compassion, and their minds become uncorked and sprinklers shoot out of their ears, and shower the thirsty masses with crazy, horny love juices. Love blooms through every crack in the sidewalk and the planet is one big goofy sing along talent show where everybody wins.

The government doesn't want you to know about Hellven because they are worried that people will stop believing in them. They are afraid of people questioning their authority. I know this for a fact because last night the men in the purple robes with the assistance of Michael the spacedog gave me a slideshow that opened my mind like a can of Dinty Moore beef chlie. I thought there was a trickle of blood coming out of my ear after they left but it was just some leftover samples of their sprinkler ears. I now have a little of their knowledge and have decided to walk across America this week to spread the word. Please send me money to this website via paypal. I promise not to eat that crappy food they serve at Perkins while on my journey.

God speed,
God rest ye merry gentlemen,
God willing,
God bless,
God is dog spelled backwards,
Godapalooza,

Poltz-o-nautica

Posted by steve at November 11, 2004 9:53 AM

Comments

Don't forget, nothing at Cracker Barrell either.

I wanna go to Hellven.

Posted by: Rain at November 11, 2004 10:14 AM

I could use a walk.

Posted by: Shay at November 11, 2004 10:42 AM

Crazy horney love juice. I will smile all day with that phrase running through my...mind.

Posted by: Poppylady at November 11, 2004 11:31 AM

steve,

write a song.

sean

Posted by: sean at November 11, 2004 11:58 AM

Sean,

Shut up. He's entertaining me.

Dana

Posted by: ms p tussy at November 11, 2004 1:03 PM

What a coincidence! My nether regions are in quadrant 43, near sector 4!

Posted by: nails at November 11, 2004 1:21 PM

dana,

kiss my ass. that'd entertain me.

truly, madly, deeply,

sean

Posted by: sean at November 11, 2004 1:42 PM

But what if I don't WANT honey or lemon in my water???

Posted by: Frag at November 11, 2004 3:58 PM

love blooming through sidewalk cracks is a beautiful thought.

I'm stealing it.

Thank you in advance.

Posted by: carence at November 11, 2004 8:59 PM

fuck the government, they have no jurisdicktion in hellven. tequila rules and oregon green makes me smile.

Posted by: ash at November 12, 2004 2:06 AM

It sounds like Hellven is a very divided place. What are the chances of finding swing voters there? I am sorry but my wife and I don't swing. If I could look at a brochure, see the lay o' the land, then I might consider telecommuting to work everyday from there.

Posted by: Dan Siego at November 15, 2004 4:32 PM

Dan,
Hellven is a wonderous place that was founded for a couple of poignant reasons but mostly in response to theologians belief that animals aren't welcome in Heaven. How much does that suck? The Hellven Manifesto is buried somewhere in the show review forum. Please refer to the original document before turning down your admission.

Posted by: ms p at November 16, 2004 1:18 PM

James,
You're THAT guy?! How come you don't play in the forum?

tussy

Posted by: ms p at November 17, 2004 10:10 AM


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