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September 8, 2005

Breaking News!

George W. Bush appoints Steve Poltz to be The New Gilligan!

gilligan-poltz.jpg

President George W. Bush shocked members of Congress today when he named Steve Poltz to be the new Gilligan. The announcement was made at 12 noon est. on the steps of The White House.

"Bob Denver was a fine American and a great songwriter," said The President. "I really like riding my bike while listening to Rocky Mountain High on my Ipod."

When The President was told he may be mistakenly referring to John Denver, the singer, he replied "don't tell me what I already know. I just like talking about John Denver."
When another reporter mentioned that the song Rocky Mountain High was possibly about marijuana use the President angrily snapped, "Condi! Why wasn't I apprised of this situation? Where is Dick Cheney? I am tired of answering these questions."

Just then White House Press Secretary Scott McLellen whispered in The President's ear and The President said, "What? Gilligan died? That is awful! Did he ever get off of that Island? Poor little feller. I liked him. I think I will make an executive decision and name Steve Poltz as the new Gilligan. I don't really like his music but he sure is goofy and dorky and I can see him either being Shaggy from Scooby Doo or Gilligan. Looks like it is going to be Gilligan!"

Calls to Steve Poltz were not returned. His agent released this statement:

Steve looks forward to working with The President as Gilligan but still wants to write songs. He is helicopter skiing in New Zealand this week and looking forward to playing a show at Bar Bodega in Wellington on Monday. He is waiting for The White House to fly him back the USA next week sometime.

Will wonders never cease? There were celebrations in the streets of Haiti today as Steve "supposedly" has a gold record over there. The people were chanting "Poltzy! Gilligan! Poltzy! Gilligan!"
Of course it was in a French accent so it sounded kind of funny and creepy at the same time.
ap reuters upi (new zealand, haiti, washington d.c.)

Posted by steve at September 8, 2005 5:16 PM

Comments

hahahaha, that's excellent.

Posted by: Tori at September 8, 2005 6:23 PM

You'reeeee Faaaaacked Mate! That's f'n funny.. It's funny, coz it's true!

MC

Posted by: Milan at September 8, 2005 6:27 PM

Dear Stevigan (or is it Poltzigan?),

I think Duhbya should be stuck on the island in your place, and YOU should take over HIS job. A few years of a Poltz White House might be just what this country needs. Please call me once you're in office -- I have some ideas for cabinet appointments.

Posted by: Frag at September 8, 2005 6:34 PM

You fuckin retard!! Come home soon! I need your coconut cream(if you know what I mean).
Surfs up, and the water is warm
xoxoxo
dennis

Posted by: dennis borlek at September 8, 2005 6:40 PM

RIP, Gilligan and Maynard G. Krebs.

Does anyone know that the Skipper's name was Jonas Grumby and the professor's name was Roy Hinckley?

If you do, would you like to join me in the Biggest Geeks Of The World Club?

Steve-O...Soho awaits!!!

Posted by: Rev. Spankalot at September 8, 2005 9:06 PM

LOL!

So tell us oh Gilligan, who is hotter? Maryann or
Lovey?

Be safe! Oh hey, maybe you could enlighten some of us how you pilot a helicopter on skis down a mountain...

Posted by: ms p at September 9, 2005 3:51 AM

Wow.

Congrats.

This is what you've been training for your whole life. Don't let us down!

yippy

Posted by: Carence at September 9, 2005 7:50 AM

dear subhuti-

i miss you too. i'm glad things are going well with you and congrats on the new role as g-unit. you are really on your way now.

i want to ketchup witchoo tu. we can wax postseason baseballs if you know what i mean.

double yoy!

i hear that if you wear a black turtleneck and give your best pensive expression that you will retain more after seeing a monet....or a sean carey for that matter.

and by the way, will you please give my best to berkshire and gregory for me? they are stand up boys.

ok, i'm off to pick up a copy of "the open mic vandal from olympia" at rainy day records.

much love,
m

Posted by: mitch cumsteen at September 9, 2005 11:08 AM

at last, Bush makes a solid decision - Poltz is the perfect man for the job!

:0* Amy

Posted by: amy at September 9, 2005 11:58 AM

Dear Poltz and all, Jeff Berkley here. Thanks to all you Ausies who came out and lauphed at us while we made American asses of ourselves in your lovely country.

Can we pull into the petrol station and take a look under the bonnet? I think something went wrong with the motor when we hit the accelerator in the overtake lane. There's a torch in the boot if it's too dark or your just pissed on coopers.

But really now, I will miss all the folks we met and can't wait to get back to the people and places we fell in love with.

As Poltz said, I love Austria, you have great sausages.

Milan and Heather, I saw your dog in a circus here in the states. He's doin great. He's met a cute little shitzu and they are pumpin out pups for the circus act. It's called the aristocrats. It's funny cause it's true. They were loosin money every min. they weren't havin puppies. Thanks to you two for takin a chance on us dopers. (Thanks to Poltz for sharing all of his pot with us. Man that guy can smoke dope.) Seriously, thanks to Milan and Heather. I swear no one has ever taken a chance on my music like that before and it made a huge difference in my life. Thanks to Steve Poltz for the same thing. You don't ever have to share your stage with anyone, but you allways do it anyway! Thanks to Steve and Gregory for being so ----ing good at every show! I always had to play my best to keep up. We were the best band in the whole world. I can't wait to do it again!

Tim was an amazing help and a great sound man. He did all the hard work of the tour. Thanks for luggin us all over the country Tim!

Millie, thanks for the words about the moon and for smiling and lauphing even when we called you melissa!

Karen, thanks for th exit rows! They rule the earth!

I owe a debt of gratitude to all of the folks i've mentioned above and of coarse the Steven Joseph Joshua Poltz. The head of the international music mafia. He continues to create opportunities for me and Berkley Hart. I'll never be able to repay you, but I'll do your dishes or mow your lawn?

Love, JB

Posted by: Jeff Berkley at September 9, 2005 11:59 AM

Congratulations, Little Buddy!

Posted by: Lisa at September 9, 2005 1:34 PM

man that guy can smoke dope?? uh... helloooo? my parents read this.
i don't know what you're taliking about! crank caller crank caller.
sjjp

Posted by: steverino at September 9, 2005 3:54 PM

Way to go Poltzie...er Gilligan! Can you do us all a favor now that you are a federal employee and pull some strings to get that dreaded island on a map? Jeff Probst is really interested in expoiting the native flora and fauna but can't find the damn place.

Posted by: Greg at September 9, 2005 5:16 PM

Fine. I'm keeping track, starting NOW. It'll take Pettibone a good two weeks to call me now...

Posted by: Westy at September 9, 2005 11:51 PM

Milan, I was just listening to Jeff's rendition of "You'reeeee Faaaaacked" on the Cronulla (4 Sep 05) disk today. Fan bloody tastic. What an awsome show that was. Thanks for bring the three amigos out!!! If anyone out there wants to hear a GREAT show, get in touch with Milan and get a copy of the 4 Sep 05 show... You won't regret it. I was so glad I went!

Posted by: Gerg at September 10, 2005 4:14 AM

Jeff my man, what a pisser, the start of your post about the petrol and the motor - everyone at the Brisbane show will know what your talking about. btw is Dean + Aemon here from Melb (+ Bris)
Chinese V was a blast man many thanks. Good to see your into the coopers, i dont think its much cop but hey each to there own. i got those photo's you want Jeff so email me at [email protected] and ill send em to ya, hope the sheep shagging land is treating you well.

Posted by: Deano at September 12, 2005 12:17 AM

Oh, so that means you are stranded on an island???? I will come rescue you. I can make clothes out of cocnuts and palm trees. I know howto build shelter and make fire.

Posted by: springer at September 15, 2005 4:33 PM


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