May 23, 2006

I think North Carolina should start a war with Italy

North Carolina's Chair (Yay!)
Italy's "chair" (makes me sick!)
Ya see-- North Carolina used to have the world's biggest chair. Remember back in 1908 or so? N.C. had a big ass chair that was over 13 feet. Everyone started ganging up on them and I think their feelings are still hurt. It was a beautiful wooden chair from Thomasville, North Carolina which prides itself on being part of the Furniture and Hosiery Capital of the World. Pennsylvania eventually held the title back in 1979 with a 25 foot tall chair. Leave it to those crazy Dutch ancestors to really kick it into gear. And yet, after only two years of accolades, it was chopped into kindling. Accusations that "young people were climbing up and doing unsafe things on it" forced the state of Pa to tear down the behemoth for good. Hmmm?

Then the Italians went and built a 60 foot chair. This chair is made of steel and metal and it makes me sick! And then they sent it to us. Why don't they stick with shoes or pasta? This is a direct slap in the face of North Carolinians everywhere. If you are from North Carolina then you should stop eating Italian food or build a bigger chair. Build it out of Cheerio cereal boxes and wood. Either that, or attack Italy. Withdraw any North Carolina soldiers that are in Iraq and send them to Europe until the new chair is built. Make it 100 feet tall and 60 feet wide. Do it for America dammit! Your tourism will skyrocket and you get a pro baseball team from MLB.

If you would like to listen to my chair song then click below. This is a rare recording done with some crazy L.A. musicians one afternoon including Doug Pettibone on a classical cat gut nylon string guitar. I always wondered why they call them cat gut. My fingers are always itchy after I play guitar with them unless I take my allergy meds. Do they really make them out of cat guts? Gag me with a spoon. Like, Oh my God!

Yours In War,

Posted by steve at May 23, 2006 4:03 PM


Steve, Steve, Steve! I'm disappointed in you! Ya shoulda axed me about the cat gut guitars! I'm the Cat Guy, Baby! Koo Koo Kachoo! I'm all about the cat guts! I'm a pro! Go ahead ask me! Honestly, I have no fuckin' idea. But, still... Anyhoo, howzabout NC makes a bigger and MORE COMFORTABLE! How, you ask? Let's line it with the hair of all those hirsute Italian chicks! Good cooks. Great lovers! But, God, all that damn hair! Ya gotta "hack through the mess with a greased-up machete" just to get to the poon!

Posted by: Jamie the Cat Guy at May 23, 2006 4:52 PM

I hate cats, too.

Posted by: Cabo at May 23, 2006 7:42 PM

you should name the first half of side 3 of the new album "conveniently canadian."

you owe me 7 3/4 cents.

Posted by: sean at May 23, 2006 8:36 PM

i like this tune!

canadian? i had no idea. amazing what you can learn surfing the net at night in your jamis.

Posted by: lisa at May 23, 2006 8:53 PM

Great version of the song! Thank ya!

Posted by: Ovitz at May 23, 2006 10:54 PM

Steve, I feel your pain. The only thing my shitty little town had going for it was that we had the largest sundial in the world. Then some bastards went and out did us!
We still claim our is the biggest though so ssshhhh....

ps. next time you are in Australia, you should do a road trip around and look at all the 'big' things we have. For some strange reason us Aussies like to build big things on highways as tourist attractions.
Check out this site and laugh at some of the ridiculousness:

Posted by: LozzaBee at May 24, 2006 12:45 AM

i warned my best friend lucy who lives in nc about the threat italy may be when it comes to the largest chair. she informed me that nc does have the world’s largest chest of drawers. so if italy tries to top that, war may be inevitable.

Posted by: Jackie at May 24, 2006 6:45 PM

Dang, I expected something more creative from the Eye-talians.

That chair looks like it was made in Luxembourg or some boring place like that.

European Heaven:

-The British are in charge of welcoming you

-The French are in charge of the cooking

-The Italians are in charge of entertainment

-The Germans are in charge of organization

European Hell:

-The French are in charge of welcoming you

-The British are in charge of the cooking

-The Germans are in charge of the entertainment

-The Italians are in charge of organization


Posted by: Rev. Spankalot at May 24, 2006 9:07 PM

Dear Steve:

You should write a song aboot Jim Rome. Then you could go on his show and talk aboot the Pahds. It would be cool.

Have a bitchin summer,

Da Rev

Posted by: Rev. Spankalot at May 25, 2006 8:02 PM

Hey... I love that nylon sting Pettybone stuff in the background.. great version... Cool stuff Steve! You know.. my fav concert i ever went to was that one with Doug Pettybone, AJ, you stinky and Hart... At the Casbah. You had Pettybone was there too! I have it on CD... still listen to it.. that version of Lime in the coconut is just freakin awesome! A classic! see ya tomorrow at House of blues! SD! Cheers,

Posted by: Mark at May 25, 2006 11:03 PM

hey i thought the chair on the lawn of Duke Ellington School in DC was big, well you have it beat. if you head to DC anytime in the futre i'll take you to see it, so you can added it to your collection. haha. smiles d.
ps. you are a very interest person, glad i found you on line...

Posted by: deb at June 15, 2006 10:21 PM

available now!
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