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September 20, 2006

What a difference a day makes

tim_steve.jpg
It's so nice to be home where the sun shines and the birds chirp and the skies are not cloudy all day. Why just last night I went to the ball yard with Tim Bluhm (pictured above) and Nicki and Keith. Just like that the Pads are back in first. One day you're up and the next you're down. Pads win 5 to 2 over The Diamondbacks. If my team had lost I was ready to go out and shoot up a Luby's Cafeteria. Tim is in The Mother Hips and you should check 'em out. I love their music. Motherhips.com
I'M GOING TO BE FAMOUS IN CHATTANOOGA.
I did a couple interviews with the press in Chattanooga and I have a feeling that something good is going to happen. I like the way their name sounds over yonder. Sometimes I just say it over and over and over. Ch- CH- CH- Ch- CH 'Ch- Chattanoooooooooooogahhh! (bless you)
One of the interviews was a Q&A via email for the Chattanoogapulse.com with Bill Colrus and here it is for your perusal:
Q-I usually only casually glance at press kits, but I must admit, your
press kit is quite impressive.
A- that's what all the men tell me.
Q-So, um, you met Elvis?
A-yeah. we met up at an airport in palm springs.
his hair was greasy and he was the richard nixon drug advisor or something.
he hugged my sister too long. i felt weird in my stomach until i thought i
i might be able to pimp her out for a record deal.
he talked to us for a spell and was funny. i think he liked being elvis.
Q- And you were Bob Hope's altar boy? His favorite one?
A- st. theresa's catholic church in palm springs.
he was an easter sunday catholic.
he always tipped me 5 or 10 smackeroos.
i worked his golf tournament raking the sand traps.
he would say, "there's my favorite altar boy!"
he had a nice sweater collection and he smelled like gin.
Q-What kind of candy did Liberace give out for Halloween?
A-snickers and mars bars. but not the little ones. big ones. full size.
his front steps were colored like piano keys and he wore a boa and had diamond rings on every finger. his chauffeur stood behind him at the door with bleach blonde hair and perfect white teeth.
sort of bay watchian before bay watch existed. a time traveller.

(I took a break here to go rob a 7-11)

Q- What was so dreary about selling pipe nipples?
A- the p.v.c. prices were unstable and it became a whores market.
my boss was an alcoholic who demanded too much of my time.
the factory emitted a plastic resin odor that hurt to breathe.
my lungs collapsed about 5 times and i ended up in the hospital
with tubes coming out of me. thank god the pipe nipple business
gave me medical insurance or i would have been lung-less and homeless.
other than that it was pretty fun.
Q- What, exactly, did you do to garner "San Diego's Most Influential
Artist of the Decade" honors? Have you ever played that zoo?
A- i was a write in candidate it was a fluke of floridian proportions.
if there were to be a proper re-count i would be dethroned.
but until that day comes i will wear the crown like a member of the bush oligarchy.
i've only played outside of the zoo. i was in love with a giraffe. i would stand on a ladder sing songs under the light of the moon..
Q- How does classical guitar training prepare you for making an album of
outgoing answering machine messages?
A- i know how to edit. the songs could only be 45 seconds.
most classical guitar pieces are 47 seconds. i just played them faster and voila- a cd was born.
Q-So, what was it about Jewel?
A- when i first met her, she described how she would cut me open and skin me. just like she used to do to cows on the homestead in alaska.
i thought that was sweet.
Q- Do you think she should get her teeth fixed?
A-only if they could make them look like liberace's chauffeur.
Q- Why is it better to have your own label than to be on somebody else's?
A-because when you sue the label for questionable financial practices you win even if you lose.
Q-Why is it worse?
A-because nothing ever gets done and you have nobody to yell at but yourself.
Q- Tell me about your new album.
A-it has songs about the golden era of pipe nipples. before the market went to the hyenas.
Q-Why, with all the exciting entertainment choices available in our crazy
world today, should people come see you?
A-because i give away money on stage.
you're losing money by not coming to see me.

Thanks, Steve! i think you're awesome (ok I steve poltz made up the "i think you're awesome" part but maybe he really did think I was awesome. It could happen.)
-Bill

Bill Colrus
Editor, The Pulse

Thanks Bill. I am ready to rule Chattanooga with the force of Nikita Khrushchev.
From now on I must approve every article that comes out in your paper.
your friend forever and ever,
Steve Poltz

Posted by steve at September 20, 2006 12:50 AM

Comments

OMG! cutie on cutie! meow! (ok, composure regained)....

"fluke of floridian proportions"?! :)

thank GOD the pipe-nipple business provided health insurance....if not, where on EARTH would we all be?

hmmm, maybe being more productive at work?

as for chattynoooga, i foresee my plane to dc being diverted with a forced landing! when you see me, you must recognize the obstacles i will have to overcome (induced hysteria on the plane at PRECISELY the right moment) with a whoop and a holler, ok?

Posted by: db cooper at September 20, 2006 8:26 AM

is that a man bag? :)

Posted by: coop at September 20, 2006 12:04 PM

Big in chattanooga??

Maybe it's because I'm gonna be there.

ha ha.

just kidding.

It's because of lou.

Posted by: carence at September 21, 2006 12:23 AM

"Do you think she should get her teeth fixed?"-How often do you get that question? Now that her music sucks, I think it's her only endearing feature, personally. But I dig the funky teeth. Like Patricia Arquette's (pre-Medium). Like in True Romance. Oh-ho-ho-ho! Yeah, baby! Not like her baby-making day look she's sporting now. Gads!

Posted by: Jamie the Cat Guy at September 21, 2006 1:53 PM


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