August 4, 2008
Guest Blogger Joe Daly (aka Westy)
This is a picture of Joe Daly who is the guest blogger for today. Every once in awhile I plan on opening up this space for people to write their own column. I've known Joe for years and met him when he was living in Chicago and he would let my band mates and me crash at his apartment when we had Rugburns gigs in the windy city. The opinions expressed in this article are those solely of the author and not of Steve Poltz, or 98 Pounder Records------------------ Here's Joe---------------------!
"Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death." -Manny Ramirez
OK, Manny never said that. In fact, I'm pretty sure that Manny doesn't even know most of those words, let alone have the capacity to arrange them in the above order. That quote came from Anais Nin, and it's safe to say that Manny's likely never heard of her either, nor read any of her works. But I really want to believe that when Manny started beating AARP members and claiming phantom knee ailments, that it was not a pattern of thoughtless petulance, but a brilliant campaign to summon forth his highest nature and in doing so, propel all of humanity to a greater state of unification and brotherhood.
Yeah, no, that wasn't it at all.
As a longtime (read emotionally-stilted)Red Sox fan, everyone's asking me what I think about Manny Ramirez being traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers. As far as I'm concerned, that story is about as newsworthy as hearing that Joe Morgan has an enlarged prostate. Manny's unceremonious trade to Los Angeles is not news- it is simply the inevitable consequence of a jerk with a lot of money, acting like a jerk with a lot of money. That's what rich jerks do, and with a legion of preceding examples, from Howard Hughes to Paris Hilton, we should not be surprised when someone with a large fortune acts like a self-seeking boob.
What IS newsworthy, and what has been largely ignored by the "popular media" (which for all you latin fans, literally means "middle of the people" [and when you read that, hold up your first two fingers of each hand and bend them in unison, once for each word, for pretense and effect]), wait- where was I?
Oh yeah, the real news is a story recently broke by our friends at Conde Nast: Manny poops in towels.
I kid you not: Manny-Ramirez-and-Red-Sox . For those too weary to read this, when Manny Ramirez shows up at the clubhouse and poops, he insists on wiping himself off with fresh towels, rather than using toilet paper. In doing so, he has occasionally clogged the plumbing system with these befouled linens. And it is this story that I am shocked to see lingering in relative obscurity.
Now technically, Manny uses towels to polish his sepia-toned fanny, but I think you'll all agree that the effect is essentially the same. This, my friends, is the height of caprice. To demand the soothing brush of terry cloth for that particular aspect of bum maintenance, when by all accounts his colleagues were more than satisfied with two-ply alternatives, simply underscores how far reaching his jerkiness had expanded. You can't have a toilet clogger in the clubhouse. Philandering, tattooed, steroid-shooting, drunk driving, seal clubbing reprobates from all walks of life are routinely welcomed into baseball clubhouses the world over without judgment or scorn. But no one likes a toilet clogger. No one. Adios, Manny. I'd say we hardly knew ye, but I think we probably got to know ye a little too well.
All that being said, thanks for the two World Series. You jerk.
Brah- can I use this space for a couple other quick hits? Thanks. Yeah, I know this is long. Your bad for offering me this space without a word limit. Idiot. SPIN magazine gives me 300 words, max. When you mentioned this on the phone and then hung up without so much as a "keep it brief," it was all I could do to not lean out the window with my nightcap on, like Ebeneezer Scrooge on Christmas Day, hailing young passersby to go fetch me a gigantic Christmas goose. Thanks.
I saw "Chariots of Fire" again yesterday. When the movie began, I was pretty stoked. It had been some time since I'd seen it, and I was pretty sure that I had once liked it. Two hours later, I felt like the world's biggest chump, having wasted ANOTHER two hours watching old timey English sissies parade about in knickers. For a minute there I thought I was watching the weekly Parliament session on CSPAN.
Finally, I'd just like to say that the Olympics are just a few days away and amidst all of the stories about journalistic repression, toxic air, Tibet, and doping, why in the world isn't anyone talking about the driving situation there? I mean, at the risk of being politically incorrect, I live in an area largely populated by Far Eastern students, many of whom attempt driving on a regular and harrowing basis. Are we supposed to just assume that all of a sudden everyone in Beijing is going to become a careful and attentive driver? Were I an Olympic athlete, I'd walk to my damn event. OK, let's say it all together- "the opinions expressed in this article are those solely of the author and not of Steve Poltz, 98 Pounder Records, or any of Steve's several offshore gambling operations that he uses for money laundering and tax sheltering purposes." Is that the disclaimer you were looking for, "Mr. Litigation Pants?? I'm going to bed.
Posted by steve at August 4, 2008 8:25 PM
this is a cool idea to have guest bloggers every now and then. very neat!
:)
not just ANY guest blogger. sheesh, i get worked up just thinking about what sjjp's criteria for "guest blogger" would be....
-12 advanced degrees, one in acupuncture (or multiple ink installments)
-MUST surf...or at least look good trying
-convincing narrative style...like say, a defense lawyer...
eiyiyi, the list could go on and on.
but THIS, from mr. joe F*$#ing daly.
thanks joe.
i look at the world differently now.
on the belligerent, self-indulgent, CAPRICious bum grooming practices...
FLUSHING towels! wtf! on first read, i thought "westy, what's wrong with saving toilet paper? you heard of bidet in a bottle?" only to follow the link AGHAST.
bravo mr. daly and grassy ass to mr. sjjp for not imposing word limits on blog posts and COMMENTS! :D
where are all the fancy doodles on Westy's picture I ask?
Couple things:
Steve -- guest blogging -- Brill!
Joe -- When did you get a cat? Huh.
The great Manny Ramirass wiping scandal of '08. I'm sure the city of Boston's overworked and ancient sewers are much relieved to flush him a fond farewell. Sorry LA. Sorry Joe Poltz.
Also, no idea you were such a Chinist.
Missed ya, babe!
First of all, why do you look so gangsta with a pussy on your back?
Second, I'm not to stoked about Manny's BM's and wiping habits, but I am pretty darn excited that the Dodgers might be able to kick some ass in the future...just like the Angels are right at this moment!!!
Remember your fuschia on Saturday!
What a sneaky away around posting yourself...
Tee Hee Hee!!!
Joe Daly you son mo gun. Sour grapes I do believe. Poor little Manny having to take all the garbagge from you Boston beaners. He may have had some problems in Boston but We surely do welcome him to Dodger Town. It looks as if We will be back in the running for sure. We still love you Joe Daly you smooth talkin son mo gun. Cheerio, pip pip and all that rot.
Eh what?
Oh and one other thing my friend. My new motto for the great
dodgers is one borrowed from my former employer ,.the Royal Canadian Air Force, "Per Ardua AD Astra." Anyway Dominus
Vobiscum.
a true sox fan speaks in favor of sending the trash out west... what a typical tale. just what we padre loving suckers need, stink poo manny down the road. if I didn't hate the dbacks even more i'd be blue... but given the sad fate of my boyz this year i say use the kook to knock those damn zonies OUT OF THE RUNNING! so what if a few LA-trines get congested in the process
mr daly - shoot me a note my outlook ate yer addy!
westy - nice to see you're alive and not bitter about manny. and thanks for making it readable by mentioning a red for me. phew!
i hope your kitten makes you hairballs like thye're supposed to.
pixy.
Dear Ask Dr. Westy,
Am I supposed to care about anything in this blog? Cause, you know... it's about sports. Although I must say I approve mightily of women's beach volleyball, I could barely keep my eyes open long enough to read about the pooping and the driving.
i miss Westy. just the way he is- all opinionated and well-spoken and what not... :) i wish he would re-myspace.
who is this westy you speak of. i'm currently on dial up and log on to poltz.com to read about poltz not some wannabe thirtysomething nitwit. if i wanted that i'd log onto westyisomewannabethirtysomethingnitwit.com/blognews
I'm with dung...not literally but with barry (and not that kind of d. berry!) on this one...westy who? And, baseball?! It's 10:23 pm in tejas and no blog today? I thought this was a daily thing. ;)
Amazing...he's still got it!
Been reading your blog now for quite some time and really like it. I don't know if it's your style or not , but do you think you could do a post on the oil spill in the gulf?
I love your thoughts and opinions, and would love to see your comments on this tragedy.
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