Lou and Rain have been so nice as to let me stay in their house for the last couple of days. They fed me and bathed me and cut my hair like Jim Carrey in "Dumb and Dumber." I feel like a dog at Christmas being forced to get his picture taken in a little doggy sweater. You know; humiliated. So they had me sign their guestbook this morning and this is what I wrote in it: (I just wanted to share it with you guys on the world wide web)

Dear Lou and Rain,

Just a couple of quick things.

1. I am disgusted by the fact that Lou acts like he's Mr Philadelphia yet he doesn't have any Del Phonics or Chi-Lites or Sylistics in his insipid "little" record collection

2. The pictures I took of me wearing Rain's lingerie will be posted on the White House website as soon as I figure out how to hack into their computer using your IP address.

3. I don't want anyone else to EVER stay in MY room. I am going to be your troubled son who never went away to college and never moved out. My shipments of bleach and ephedrine should be arriving soon and I will be starting up my meth lab post haste.

4. Oh & Lou, by the way....I secretly made out with your brother at your wedding brunch. I'm telling your Mother.

5. I found out where you guys keep your cash and I have transferred the funds into my account. From now on, I will be your "money manager".

6A. I signed that expensive picture on the wall of that guy with the big black glasses "Buddie Holly Oct 2003". It should be worth a lot more..so you got that going for you which is nice.

6B. Can you guys please start parking on the street? I need the whole driveway and garage for my little drug lab.

7. How do I get added to your health insurance policy?

8. Please water my marijuana plants in your backyard by your neighbor's house. I just planted them yesterday.

9. Do you mind if I get a couple of Rottweillers to guard my drugs? And STAY AWAY from MY rifle and handgun collection. I stashed it in an undisclosed location somewhere in your humble abode.

10.. I only had 10 chances to say I love you.

Gracias y amour

Steven "house sitter" Poltz

PS: I ordered 23 copies of my CD off of my website using your credit card from a receipt that I found crumbled up in the trash can of your bathroom. Thanks for supporting independent music, you idiots!

Today is the official day of the birth of "Chinese Vacation." I am like a proud papa in the waiting room. Please go to your record stores and demand that they order 5 copies. You will be helping to make the world a better place. If they already have 5 copies then buy them all and give them to members of congress and various flight attendants you may come across. It really helps if you go in to your favorite record store and do this. Many stores don't pay attention to you when you are just on a little label like 98 pounder records. Please help me make the big guys take notice with a slingshot to the forehead of Goliath. This is a day that will go down in infamy. We will make the world a safer place. You are now deputized to be on the 98 pounder posse. Yeah I said posse P-Diddy. God speed you beautiful freaks and thanks for your help!
Steven jj Poltz (male nurse for a day)
p.s. by signing your name below you will be allowed to carry a gun and a badge
and demand record stores to order my new c.d. Just don't tell the cops I said so.

I am sitting in the house of Frizz thankful to be alive this morning. Just after mocking the hurricane all day yesterday I now respect Mother Nature. The drive from Philly to beautiful New Cumberland Pennsylvania was pretty hairy. There were huge trees in the middle of the turnpike and jackknifed lorries and powerless gas stations. Visibility was zero but the eurovan prevailed thanks to Friz's heroic driving. He was like the skipper and I was Gilligan. We couldn't buy gas so we left one of the cars on the side of the road. It was awesome dude. There was electricity in the air. It reminded me of the time I pitched for the Phillies in game 6 of the World Series. The crowd went wild with electricity just like a hurricane. There was even a topless girl named Isabel who ran onto the field and kissed me before she got arrested by the facist security guards. Ah... the salad days!

I can't believe that 60 people still came to the showlast night. All the other wussies on tour cancelled their shows. Kudo to all the folks who came out to The Tin Angel and ignored their government warnings. We don't cancel shows at 98 pounder records. We don't need no stinkin' badges. We break the law on stage.

Thanks Tony for getting the merch page up and running. We already got 16 orders yesterday. Yay! More offshore drilling. This will finance my campaign to get rid of playgrounds and stupid parks and have more offshore drilling on the coast of California. wow nature's not so bitchin...

steven hurricane survivor poltz

well, as Mr. Poltztradamus predicted... the merch page is finally up and running. we'll be adding more merch by the day and shipping all of the time so come on back as often as your cute little hearts desire. (just click on "Merch")

if you have any questions about merch or whatever write to: merch@poltz.com

thanks puppies,

tony (lokster the merch guy)

All I know is that I have a long drive to Philly. Do they still have cheesesteaks? Where is the Tin Angel? I would like to inform all of you I-90 travellers near the east coast that I am the guy in the V.W. van looking lost and getting flipped off by people who seem to know where they are going. I just pretend they all know me and are waving. The only good thing aboot driving on the 90 is that they have Ben and Jerry's ice cream for wayward drivers about every 20 miles or so. Today I will be powered by Cherry Garcia.

Last night I made a prediction that the Red Sox are going to win the World Series. Little do all those people know what a jinx I am. Every wedding I play ends up in divorce and every team I root for tanks big time. Why just look at the Padres record. Can you say doormat? Oh well... you never know. I just wanted all of my Boston friends to feel good and remove the curse of the Bambino. If it happens then I predict Gary Coleman will be the next governor of California and The Padres will win the whole thing in 2005.

Thanks Boston and the Kendall Cafe. It was a good run. I guess my last show there will be Oct.9. It is closing to become a pizza parlour. I am very sad aboot this. I remember the time I pitched for the Red Sox on opening day and brought everyone back to The Kendall for free beer.

I must now get on the road to the city of brotherly love. Philidelphia here I come. Look out Tin Angel. I am going to drive through your front door and four wheel drive it up your stairs and give free haircuts in the form of 80's John Kruk mulletts. Yeehaaaaa!

steverino ipod-shufflin poltz

p.s. you can still see the schubas show and news interviews from austin below on the sept 11 entry.

p.s.s. the merch page will be up tomorrow! or maybe even later today.

i don't know how al gore did it,
but when he invented this internet thing he was on to something.
as i sit here in minneapolis i am thinking..."hey why not have you guys join me?" it'll be like you are in the van with me outrunning cops like the dukes of hazzard. we can wipe our greasy fingers on the road map while sipping yoohoo and eating powdered sugar donuts. yeah yeah sugar. sugars cool. sugar boogers.

watch and listen to me on the computer at the following times and places.

This Friday Sept. 12th Live from Schubas in Chicago / 7:30pm Central / Click Below
www.dcn.com

Here's a television interview I did the other day. Click Here

Also: Listen to my live radio interviw on Sonic Spectrum
Saturday Sept. 13th. at 2pm Central Time

i miss you all so much i am crying like a wrestler who just pooped his pants.

love always

steven cyber-zygote poltz

I barely got out of Utah alive. I was hanging from a 100 foot cliff, bleeding on a rope dangling over rat infested waters. I felt like I was in an Indiana Jones movie. My nature guides told me it was going to be a quick little hike. I didn't know it would include rappelling down seven cliffs. I can't wait to do it again. My knuckles are finally healing and the infection is waning. I swear it was one of the greatest days of my life in my short little stint here on this planet. Dag and Nick were swell teachers.

Texas was a blur of driving and more driving and bbq and lots of cool shows thrown in for good measure. Austin and San Antonio and Houston and Dallas. I slept in trailer parks and drank tequila with politicians and waxed poetic with Jason and Josh on an Austin deck in the yard of a recently released felon. Anya sang her ass off in Dallass. Thankyou Texas. I am now leaving your country and returning to the United States. By the way...if you ever get a chance to visit the Kimball museum in Fort Worth I highly recommend it. They have a beautiful Rembrandt that will give you goosebumps. I added my signature to it and the security guards seemed to love this.

I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my gig and the guy was more than 30 minutes late and his head exploded. I think Dominoes is taking this service thing a little too far.

Thanks to Sean and Sarah for letting me do my laundry at their cool house. Clean underwear make the trip much nicer on my butt.

I am off to Minneapolis. Mapquest says 956 miles to go. I have already gotten 2 speeding tickets in 2 weeks. I should have my license revoked by Christmas.

buh bye,

Steven (Nascar's my middle name) Poltz