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I'm happy I'm happy
Like syrup I am sappy
I'm happy I'm happy
my ears are really flappy
I'm happy I'm happy
i'm lookin' kinda scrappy
I'm happy I'm happy
I put on my baseball cappy

I'm smiling I'm smiling
My hairdo's really styling
I'm smiling I'm smiling
My toenails need some filing
I'm smiling I'm smiling
The leaves are really piling up
I'm smiling I'm smiling
Cuz it's you that I'll be dialing up

I'm breezy I'm breezy
My engine's really wheezy
I'm breezy I'm breezy
Like a taco I am cheesey
I'm breezy I'm breezy
I am wobbly and uneasy
I'm breezy I'm breezy
Oops my tummy's really queasy

I'm flustered I'm flustered
My eyes are looking mustard
I'm flustered I'm flustered
I'd like to eat some custard
I'm flustered I'm flustered
I'm a shaky and I'm clustered
I'm flustered I'm flustered
I'm out of rhymes now buster!

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I like to sing when I do my chores
Some people think that they have to look bored
It can be fun when I grab a broom
I sweep up every single room
I honk my horn when I sweep the dirt
I make sure everyone’s alert
My horn goes beep beep beep
when I sweep sweep sweep
My horn goes beep beep beep
when I sweep sweep sweep
I might just be a dirtbike
But I can still be someone you like
I might not be too good at math
But I can help you along your path
So grab a broom and sweep with me
Honk your horn and then you’ll feel free
My horn goes beep beep beep
when I sweep sweep sweep
My horn goes beep beep beep
when I sweep sweep sweep
don’t let ‘em tell you that it can’t be fun
we can sweep when we walk or run
we’re sweeping every little thing we see
beep beep beep sweep sweep sweep
I like to sing when I do my chores
Some people think that they have to look bored
I honk my horn when I sweep the dirt
I make sure everyone’s alert
My horn goes beep beep beep
when I sweep sweep sweep
My horn goes beep beep beep
when I sweep sweep cough cough cough sweeeeeep!

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Once I couldn’t cry for years
Not even old yeller could
coax a drop from me they called me ol’ stone eyes
love story, brian’s song terms of endearment
Bambi even at&t commercials. Nothin’
not one drop. But then-
I lost my heart when when you passed on
The pain of an indescribable
Dagger in my gut
Yeah my tears kept falling through the night
And intermittently through the day
My black suit was caked with salt
I paraded around in a salt suit.
I had no place to hide so I just kept walking
I felt so ashamed
And everyone stared at me in my salt suit
-They whispered when I whimpered by
Some even laughed when I would try
To stop the tears by faking laughter
And acting like a clown
But they could see through my facade
And the makeup made me breakout
I lost my appetite for food
Even greasy Chinese takeout
No matter what I do
I was like a fire hydrant
So I ended up in rehab
Rehab for criers. bitchy, moany whiney criers
They taught me to not feel anymore
And I slowly changed into an island
I built a wall around my heart and threw away the key
Now I play shows in Vegas and they
Say ol’ stone eyes is back!
I saw a man die on the street while holding a cute puppy
And I just walked on by and pushed them off of the sidewalk
I watch TV and I don’t break
Not even through the nightly news can shake
My poker face-I don’t hear cries or laughter
I am just like a deaf mute
I proudly walk around
In nothing but my vintage salt suit
Yeah it’s just a dirty souvenir
My salt suit
many people say, "steve, how can you live like that?
don't you want to feel somethin'?"
and i say, "no. it hurts too much."
so i just stare at my salt suit in the closet and
try to remember-and remember i do
-cuz they whispered when I whimpered by
Some even laughed when I would try
To stop the tears by faking laughter
And acting like a clown
But they could see through my facade
And the makeup made me breakout
I lost my appetite for food
Even greasy Chinese takeout
No matter what I do I still miss you

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In The Event Of An Actual Relationship
( I made this song up with Miles Zuniga from Fastball)

In the event of an actual relationship
I would have tried a little harder to see your point of view
And maybe you would have stuck by my side
before my heart stopped beating before my face turned blue
This is only a test- oh don’t you worry about breaking my heart
Baby you were the best- but you never were that smart
Maybe you were just a little too young
to be alone with someone as jaded and faded as me
You should have paid a little more attention
staged an intervention in your house of detention
This is only a test- oh don’t you worry about breaking my heart
Baby you were the best- but you never were that smart
Safety first is just a lie
now I’m kissing you goodbye
in the event of an actual emergency- an emergency of love
I would have noticed that my heart was breaking
I might have heard the sirens on the streets
I might have noticed that the whole time you were only fakin’
This is only a test- oh don’t you worry about me fallin’ apart
Baby you were the best- but you never were that smart
In the event of an actual relationship (repeat until done cooking)

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I was a beach guy driving in ice I was snow blind
The weather channel warned that I should stay off the road
I slid in a ditch as my transmission started to unwind
My leg was broke and the air came in it was so damn cold
I didn’t know I’d be dreaming and wishing
That I was in Mexico deep sea fishing
With a sun so warm and the ocean so blue
Instead I’m stuck in a car digging for icicles too

Next came a girl she was driving too fast in her red car
She was sliding towards me at 45 miles per hour
I ducked down and took the jolt just like a rock star
My windows blew open the snow was falling with so much power
I didn’t know I’d be dreaming and wishing
That the girl who hit me would maybe be kissing
Me by the sun and the ocean so blue
Instead she’s stuck next to me digging for icicles too

Well the ambulance came with a fire truck right behind him
They had crow bars and chainsaws and welders and big black dogs
She smiled at me as the fireman wrapped her cold limbs
By the time they got me I felt just like a frozen log
I didn’t think I’d no longer be wishing
For love to find me my whole life I’d been fishing
She slammed into me with a love so true
I hope I spend my whole life digging for icicles with you
I wake in the morning and my foot she tickles
Her belly is growing and now she craves pickles
I’ll save all my pennies and all of my nickels
Just to be digging for icicles with you

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there were words spoken between them
i don’t know what the heck was said
there were yeses and of courses
under the guise of superior forces
some of the people were mexican
some of the people were white
one white guy was a texican
with silver teeth like a switch blade so bright
a neighbor’s dog kept yapping
the meth heads weren’t feeding it
on the tv set dr. phil was clapping
the whole place smelled like shit
someone wanted someone to shut the fuck up
people’s feathers got ruffled
a pushing match was soon struck up
someone’s scream got muffled
3 bullets danced in the foggy night
one found its way to a 5 year old’s skull
a wide eyed mother screamed in fright
god was late and didn’t have any pull
the smirking news anchor gave us the news
in between ads for pepsi and lunestra
the grieving parents collapsed in the pews
they were interviewed later on EXTRA
they ended up divorcing
2 years down the road
he ended up in prison for forcing
poison down the shooter’s not guilty throat
now the mother’s alone quiet as a mouse
trying to pay for her booze
cleaning up some rich people’s house
wearing 2nd hand shoes
some nights she looks at the sky
and tries to make time go slack
she ends up in tears asking why oh why
can’t you bring my baby back
but there were words spoken between them
no one knows what was said
death pulls stronger than a herd of horses
when set in motion by superior forces

listen here

Trying to make sense of the pieces that broke apart
There ain't a road map for matters of the heart
Flipping the channels pretending it's ok
I hope I can see you before you go away

The news of the war just keeps getting worse
Bombs and soldiers and flags with a hearse
Broke apart families torn in strife
using clinical terms for the loss of a life

You're on your way home now
You're on your way home
Rest in peace you're alone now
You're on your way home

The garbage collectors and robbers keep fighting
Kalashnikov rifles and infared lighting
Everyone's got a plan of revenge
Armies are licking their chops to avenge

A death is a death no matter the race
Children are learning to kill in their place
Where love used to rule it's rule of the wild
A mother still cries at the loss of her child

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I took a long walk on an even longer pier
And I contemplated the meaning of beer
And then I thought of birds and life and Darwin
And stars and aliens and Morgan Fairchild

I thought of her boobs and her bright blonde hair
And then I thought of the summer I met that au pair
And then I remembered I hadn’t eaten all day
So went inside for grilled cheese somethings and losing football

This year’s gonna be a good year
I have a feeling we’re all going to get fired
Yeah this year’s gonna be a good year
Because that new brand of coffee will keep us wired
Yes this year’s going to be a good good year
We’ll all get better jobs when we get hired

I thought of tony gwynn making the hall of fame
And how I cried when the phone call of acceptance came
You can see anything on the internet
A hanging a torture trumpy o’donnel and order cialis (see vintage pictures of Elian Gonzalez)

I wanted to run naked on the freeway
Like an extra from planet of the apes at play
One thing I know for sure about 2000 and seven
Is that I’m alive and happy today so I guess I’ll take that thankyou